This moment always comes, in every cycle of my life.
There always comes this feeling. No matter how fast or how well I'm running the race.
It always comes.
Disguised in small things he approaches, tinged with irrelevance he settles in the living room of my head. And by the time I want to remember, he is the one who opens and closes the door for me when I have to go out into the outside world.
Today I found him very comfortable shitting and smoking a cigarette in the corner where ironically I go to clean myself, but it is usually the dirtiest part of my head.
- You're here already? How weird?! You usually take longer to get here. - He said making ominous eye contact. Prolonged and accompanied by sober gesticulations.
- Yes, I was looking forward to being here longer. I spend all day outside, I need to rest a little more - I answered ignoring that I was irritated by his presence.
- Well, come on, sit down, tell me what's wrong. I'm here to help you reason, you came to me for a reason. - He said knowing my weakness for him. I was waiting for him to break me while he held the most cynical smile possible.
- They all lie to me, I don't know how to avoid it anymore. I stare at their corneas, I know they lie to me, I can see it in the quivering of their lips. - I began to unburden myself without the slightest resistance. I can't help it, it makes things more dynamic for me to process.
- Ah good, you're applying that analyzing thing we saw the other time in that movie. Tell me, was there any contradiction? Who is lying to you? I want to know everything - He said as he patted a seat near him as if indicating me the place to sit down.
After leaning me on the stool next to him, he put out his tobacco on my knee.
It hurt, but I let him.
After all, I have to have a bit of a hard time to match how good it makes me feel.
- Come on, give me some of your bullshit. I don't have that much time - He loved to choke me with his words, I ended up begging him to breathe near me so I could get some oxygen. It gave him power, it aggrandized him.
- Everyone contradicts themselves, I'm sure. Whenever I do well in something or in some aspect, it's inevitable that something breaks absolutely everything and reminds me again that I don't deserve it. - I blurted out, like someone spewing shit.
- It's true, you don't deserve it, but the truth is that you are quite intelligent. You can see events before they become a consequence. You can hurry up and make the first move. You will always regain the helm of your life, but you won't always deserve the ship. - he said.
I stayed up all night, wishing he would leave my house so I could sleep in peace. But instead, we looked like two tough escapists. We chased each other's ears until our noses gave out and by the time I managed to let him go, it was already dawn.
With the sound of birds in the fissure I sat down to write as each and every time I did well, paranoia consumed me. As every time something went well, I tended to look beyond what I was seeing, hopeful for the pitiful dopamine of finding what I didn't want.
As always, I always sought not to get my hopes up about anything, lest I break into a thousand pieces if something bad happened.
As always I took care that if the bad thing didn't happen, I made it happen.
I ended up understanding how -without realizing it- I made bad things happen each and every time because of my suggestion. How I was creating alternative versions of things and with the power of imagination, I ended up transposing them to reality.
Now that I think about it, I spent a lot of time looking for signs and generating consequences.
Now that I digest it, I confused causes with consequences.
Now that I understand it, he and I are the same person and our only code is that we tell each other what we want to hear, but why did we want to hear that?
